On of my best friends died several years ago. She died the end of October. Each year, as the end of the month draws near, I feel this deep sadness. I miss her so much, and it is often hard to think I will never again see her IN THIS LIFE. I often think about the things we would have done TOGETHER. When I went away to college the first time (to Southern Virginia College) I thought of how MAYBE she would have come with me, and I wouldn't have been so lonely there. When I went to China, I thought of how I would have made Chelsea come with me, and how much FUN we would have had. (While I was in China, I took one month and went backpacking. I was all alone, and although it was fun and a great adventure, I still, once in a while on the lonely, all night bus trips, or while sitting alone on the train, wondered if she would have been with me, and how we would have been having so much fun.)
Usually, the end of October hits me like a brick, and then the sorrow lifts with the coming of November. I usually can shake the sorrow. This year has been different.
Last year, I thought of Chelsea, but didn't feel that deep hurt when I thought of her. I thought that maybe, FINALLY, after so many years, the mourning was over. This year, I made up for last year's peace.
I wish I could tell all about Chelsea. Sometimes, I want to talk about her. Sometimes, I want to talk about her death. The day she died, I was so in shock. When I found out she had passed away, I fell to the ground and sobbed. Then, I bottled it all up and went on. I cried a little after that, but no one comforted me. Oh, I am sure my Mom did all she could. I remember her asking me if I was okay, and telling me it was going to be okay. But to me, it felt like no one hugged me. No one told me that I would see her again. No one put their arm around me and listened to me talk about my best friend and how much I missed her. I guess, in some ways, I wanted that. I wanted to share my pain with someone to make it more bearable. But there was no one. I had no one to talk to about my hurt.
So now, each year, it seeps out, a trickle at a time. A drop of sorrow each year. Sometimes, I want to just scream and cry and let out the pain and loss I feel in my heart.
I miss Chelsea so much.
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