Now that I have actually realized what I was doing with trying NOT to get in to the spirit of Christ-mas, I am going CRAZY trying to think up things I can do to make up for my stupidity (because that is all it was, really...utter stupidity). I mean, there is PLENTY I could be doing, really. But in the next week? And with Streptococcus in my stomach? I can't do everything possible, so I have to get creative and think of what I CAN do!
On a different note, KIM JONG IL IS DEAD!!!!!!!!!!! (Just to make sure there is no confusion, the exclamation marks are those of celebration and joy.)
I am resisting Christmas, or should I say CHRIST-mas, this year.
And I am surprised and disgusted with myself.
I don't want to serve anyone but Taiger. I don't want to not give him gifts. I don't want to move my hand from in front of my eyes and see past Taiger! This Christmas is about Taiger! And Taiger ONLY! That is my mantra. I mean, I have been sewing gifts for family members. I bought a gift for one of our friends in China. I don't want everything else.
Or do I.
I hate how I feel about things this year. "I am too busy to worry about anything but making Christmas perfect for Taiger!" I will worry about everything else "later". No time right now! Taiger and I had a special experience of serving someone else...can't that be enough?!
Tonight, I finally forced myself to take a peek past myself and Taiger. But I am still resisting.
I want the Christmas tree (it is our first year to buy our own!!). I want the really special gifts I got Taiger. I want the wrapping paper. I want the decorations. I want the magical feeling.
But what is that so-called "magical feeling"? It is the feeling of "I-Want". The "magic" of getting exactly what I WANT.
So, I push myself down. I throw off the blind fold and I taste the bitter reality. I have to look past my front door, beyond my street lined with twinkling red and green lights. Past the shopping mall and the Christmas tree farms. And into the stable where Christ was born.
I see the starving. The naked. The orphaned. The widowed. The homeless. The sick. The lonely.
And what do I do? What can I do? What should I do?
Where does CHRISTmas settle in my heart? I have eight days to find it a resting place in my heart.