Devastated

I am so...devastated. I don't even know if that is a strong enough word to express how I feel.

I found out that to travel to Ghana, one MUST have the vaccination against Yellow Fever. I was so worried and immediately began looking into the vaccine, to see what side effects there are, and, most importantly, to find out if it can cause Aspergers. I posted on a yahoo! group about my concerns. Lois emailed me and said that, "Yellow Fever is the least of your worries". Needless to say, I freaked! Okay, I know that sounds so immature...but it really is what I did! Posts began flooding the group about the importance of immunizing before going to Ghana. Lois posted each disease prevalent in Ghana and it's symptoms. I knew about all of this...I just didn't know Ghana was an area where these diseases were SO prevalent. I guess I should have known, really. When in posts it was said that this is a Third World country, indicating I should have KNOWN, I felt dumb for not looking in to the diseases in Ghana first, but I also felt slightly justified in my stupidity, as it were. I traveled to China, also considered by many to be a "Third World Country", without immunization or vaccination. Also, Ghana is not on lists of "Third World Countries" that I have seen, so I figured it must be "better" that other African nations, which ARE listed as Third World. I thought it would be a "safer" place to travel, and that is part of the reason I chose Ghana in the first place.

Anyway, it doesn't matter now whether I was stupid or not. What DOES matter is what I am going to do next.

I have spent the day almost in shock. I keep being reminded, "I am not going to Ghana". At least not with Taiger, and not for the months and months I had planned on. Each day, my mind is preoccupied with thoughts of going to Ghana. I envision our life there. I wonder what it will be like. I picture us in the guest house, at the orphanage. I see me teaching at the school. I see Taiger in a preschool room with other children his age, busy there so I can help the older children. I picture me with the older girls, facilitating healthy discussion and following my goals help them in every way I can. I love those girls already. I admire them. I wonder about them. I pray for them...as I do all of the children at Luckyhill. I pray for Kingsley's family, for their strength. I am amazed at their fortitude, their spirit of sacrifice, their closeness to God. I yearned to be in their presence, to feel of their spirits. I longed to learn from the people of Ghana, and especially from those at Luckyhill. To learn to be humble, to sacrifice for others. I wanted my eyes to be opened to the realities of life outside of the shelter of America. I wanted all of this for my son also.

But I know it is not all about what I want. It is about what God wants. I felt SO STRONGLY that I was supposed to be in Ghana in August. I knew I was supposed to be there in August. I am having a hard time accepting the fact that I will not be there. I keep thinking, there has to be a way. I have to be there in August. I suppose I need to stop thinking so much and have faith that if it is what I am, indeed, SUPPOSED to do, God will provide a way. Maybe I am supposed to go alone, without Taiger. Can I get immunized? I must pray to God for the answers I seek.