Why I have not been blogging as much...

Christmas is upon us, and although this should be a time I am blogging MORE, I have found I have been blogging LESS. Christmas is a time when people's hearts are a little softer, their thoughts are turned to those in need. Because serving others is a major part of this season, I should be blogging now more than ever!

Christmas should be a time of joy and laughter. Yet my Christmas has been shadowed slightly by feelings of guilt. Because of this, I have not been as quick to blog. I have sat at my computer many times this season, only to become frustrated with my own thoughts and unable to find the words to express my feelings.

So, in the quiet of my house in the early morning, when everyone else is still asleep, I find myself again at my computer, determined to express my feelings without frustration or shyness. To just say them like they are. I know as I write my thoughts are going to be a jumbled MESS, but I just want to get them out there.

The feelings of guilt are because I am spending so much on myself and my son when there are so many people who need it more! Then, I feel guilty for wanting to help others instead of giving my son many Christmas gifts. He is my SON, and I want him to have all he needs, but does it make me a "bad mom" because I want to help others rather than get him tons of dinkey toys he will never use? My son is going to have a good Christmas, better than most 3 year olds! But I know I could buy him MORE THINGS. Is it bad that I think "this is enough" and want to save the rest of the money I have (as a single Mom going to school, I really don't have a lot of money to throw around...to be honest, I have about $600.00 TO MY NAME, about $300.00 of which has gone into Christmas gifts for Taiger and my family and one close friend)? As I am out shopping for him, I refrain from buying more and more, thinking instead of our trip to Africa, and how we will need the money to buy airplane tickets and suitcases, and I would like to save my money for those things. Does that make me a bad Mom, or a Christmas Scrooge because I am not buying my son a mountain of gifts? Does it make me a bad Mom that I am spending more on my endeavors to help others than I am my own son?

These are the feelings of guilt I have been experiencing. Guilt for spending so much on silly gifts my son doesn't NEED, and then guilt for wanting to spend money on others rather than on my own son.